I know I have homework to do... But I just can't do it right now. I hate this feeling. I know I'm screwing up, but at the same time, I can't do anything right now. I don't even know how to explain it. I just need to sit here with my thoughts for a bit, and let them lead me where they may. There's a melancholy feeling there, and I always feel like contemplating things when I'm like this. I think about things, then wonder why I think about these things, and if it has any real importance whatsoever. And I really can't do my math homework like this. I get distracted so easily, and I make so many mistakes. Not only that, but I feel as though I'm wasting thought. Ironic, really. When I do work for my education I'm losing thought? Interesting. Anywho, it feels like lost time, lost feelings. Is it bad that I like to revel in these sad emotions? I've always thought they were the more beautiful ones, and ones that people don't look into enough. People always ask "What is true happiness?" but people never take much thought into despair. I'm not saying I'm in despair at the moment, by any means. But I think there's a beauty there that isn't appreciated as much as it should be. I always seem to pick up on things I never would have otherwise when I feel like this. About a week ago I was staring at a window for half an hour before I realized what I was doing. And what was I doing? Admiring the shadows cast on the windscreen from leaves outside.
While this is a half hour of my life that I'll never get back, "wasted", I feel like I've accomplished more than I would have reading in my History book. And it's times like these that I seem to enjoy pain. I know that sounds so... Creepy, really. I don't think anyone will ever understand what I mean by that, however, no matter how much I try to explain it. I could write a book, and I still don't think anyone would understand. And the thing of it is, it doesn't feel like masochism. It seems more like... I can't find the right word... Adapting? Survival? I honestly don't know. Like I said, I don't think anyone could really understand what I mean right now. Now I'm curious, though; I'm going to go look up a definition for "masochist".
–noun
1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.
Hm... I suppose the last few apply in a way. Now that's freaking me out. I'm not going to dwell on this definition, I am what I am. Anyway, I don't seem like some kind of freak who would enjoy... Nevermind, I said I would stop. I'll continue with what I was saying before. It's not as though I hurt myself on purpose, I just accept natural pain or discomfort in a way. Like when everyone is freezing cold, for example, I try my hardest to block out all physical feeling and focus on my mental standings. Don't focus on it, and it usually works; I don't even feel cold. I don't react to it, it doesn't matter, even if I did feel it I wouldn't care, and I've grown a stronger resistance to it. That's the best example I can come up with. So it's times like these that I'll do something that helps me, such as disinfecting a cut or something. Yes, it helps my health, but there is that undeniable sting there. Accept it, and it doesn't hurt anymore, block out the sting. Mental numbing process, really. And sometimes I succeed in going further, in convincing myself that it doesn't feel all that bad. I love the cold. I'll go sit in the snow, I love it so much.
I'm probably sounding insane right now, ne? I should stop. I know this sounds really weird (and again, masochistic) to other people, but it's normal. It makes sense, and you would get that if you could see into my head; I just have no way to explain this verbally. I often wish I could draw like Brittany can. She can release her emotions in a drawing, draw exactly what she's seeing. And that's something that I hate most. I have a very visual mind, a lot of times I think in images, I see my emotions. And yet I can't get them out in any way. I try to draw them, and sometimes it can come out, but so far there have only been four pictures that I feel accurately describe what I was feeling at the time. And I don't even feel like I can share them. The only person who's seen them is Aisha, and she only saw the first two. That really makes it worse, because I can't explain verbally or visually. They just stir in my head.
You know what? I'm going to stop. I'm just ranting now. You really don't need to read these, I was just in a mood, and then I went of rambling... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
<3
Lashy
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