.:Free Range Lashy:.

I was just thinking about stuff... Like, thinking about how I'm going to go see Dr Daley in another week or so, and wondering what he'll want to talk about, and how I'll be able to answer him, and how I answered him last time... I was thinking over some things I told him last time, and I realized that some of it isn't entirely true. Not in the sense that I straight out lied to him about anything, but in a way that I was too... Simplistic in my answers; I said "yes" or "no" and nothing else, just answered his questions, when I could have said so much more than that. Specifically, I was thinking about his questioning whether or not I ever wanted to die, if I ever wanted to hurt myself. I answered no. This isn't entirely true, I have wanted to kill myself before. Now, I don't want you to think I'm suicidal... Please don't. But thinking about it, and going over past conversations with myself (That sounded crazy... I mean, conversations with her, in my head? Nevermind.), I realized what it is. I don't exactly want to die, I don't want to be gone from this world... It's that I want to kill myself. I want to know how it would feel to die. I want to be able to slip that knife too far, take a few too many sleeping pills, I want to feel death. That sounds really creepy, but... I just think about it, and though I know that I should, I have no problem with the idea of me not waking up tomorrow.

I don't really have a problem with death. I would actually love to feel it, feel that slipping away slowly, watch my vision slowly drown to black. But the problem is, I couldn't wake back up to think about it. That's why I wouldn't consider myself suicidal. I don't want to be dead, I want to die. Die by my own hand. Death is the road to Awe, but I wouldn't be able to turn around. I'd just wander it by myself. So I have to stare at that road, and wonder. But the truth is, I'd never be brave enough to travel it.