Improvement, I guess?

Well... I was thinking just now about therapy, and how it's helped me, what's changed, and whatnot... And honestly, the main reason I wanted to see a psychiatrist in the first place was my sadistic wants; how I would be sitting there with Brittany, not really listening to her, imagining driving a knife through her side, cutting her all over... And it would scare me. Because they weren't random thoughts streaming through my mind, I really... Really wanted them. I would try so hard just to sit there. It got to a point where one day I just broke down on the kitchen floor after an argument with my father, and when my mom came down to calm me down, she said she did something similar when she was my age. That made me freak out more, because I kept thinking about what normal teenagers broke down for, that she couldn't ever understand, no one could, that I was some kind of freak, I was terrified of my own mind. I know that sounds totally cliche, but I was honestly terrified of what could happen.

Anyway, that's why I started going, because I was terrified, and I just wanted to be normal, but at the same time, I didn't want it to stop, because it was so strangely therapeutic to think about, watch in my brain. Even now, I find the sound of screams calming. I don't really know why. I keep getting off track, sorry. So that was why I wanted to go, and as I was thinking about it just now... I've realized how much they've really lessened since I've gone to Dr Daley. And I think the fact that I had to sit down and think about it to realize this speaks volumes; I don't need it anymore! I can function without having to mutilate someone in my head, I don't need this sadism to get through things! I want to thank Dr Daley so much for that. Because, however much I wanted it, however much it felt good, however much I liked it... It had to stop. And now I'm better than I was before (I don't get depressed NEARLY as often), and I don't need to use these cruel fantasies. Granted, they do still happen, but it's not a constant stream in my head anymore. It's not every second of every day, it's not going on while I'm talking with my family and friends, it doesn't get to the point that I break down and cry in my bed, or behind my door. I'm so glad. I feel better. I feel... Liberated, I suppose, however cheesy that may sound. I'm happy. I still have problems, I still get melancholy, but that want has been lifted from my shoulders.