In all complete honesty, I'm not entirely sure all I can reveal here, on the somewhat public expression of my blog... However, I feel as though I need to allow something to jump out of my throat. (A few red devils, if you will, in allusion to this poem by Stephen Crane I just recently posted.) My sincere apologies if this doesn't hold much meaning or coherency to anyone but myself.
Well, I feel conflicted... "No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to have a man's mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength, both obstinately pulling in a contrary direction at the same time." ~Laurence Sterne. On one side of this battle is my everlasting and immense internal need to do what I can when I can for those who might stand in need... And as of late, there have been several, myself included. Reader, I don't know how well acquainted you are with the workings of my heart, but if you are indeed my friend, you should know that I honestly feel I would sooner hurt myself that one of you... That I sooner jump to my own demise than to willingly leave someone I love in need of help or comfort. That sounds extremely hyperbolic, but I feel it with all of my soul and being. On the other side lie my moral standings... There's a conflict there in and of itself. There's one thing I won't allow myself to get into online... But the two sides are raging and I'm not sure which to give in to. Or if I'm even capable of giving in to one but not the other... they intertwine, which seems highly ironic to me.
I feel as though every one of my friends and loved ones wants something different and conflicting from me. I feel like I should be able to satisfy each of them, but I can't. I honestly can't, and I'm mentally reprimanding myself for it. I'm not capable, and I can't figure out how to help anyone. People are incessantly asking and wanting and I have nothing to give, and my head spins, and I don't know how to keep going with my daily responsibilities when I can't even think straight.
I know this sounds like I'm over exaggerating, and in all likelihood I am, but I just need to get something out. Ignore this.
Lashy
EDIT: Alright, purely for the sake of clarification; it would seem that some of you have taken my use of the word "morals" too literally. I apologize, but I'm not going to go off and have sex or drink beer for someone, thank you.
2 comments:
You'll go to any end to help those you love. Don't get me wrong, I highly respect that quality in you, and it's a great comfort to have a friend like you. But you should never compromise your beliefs and standards for the sake of another, no matter how much you love them. Nor should you ignore your own personal needs for theirs.
Ashley, NEVER feel like you need to compromise your standards, values, or ethics for somebody. A person who requires you to do so is not a person you should keep close to you.
You do what you can for a person, but you are not their final hope. You are not their salvation. When things become uncontrollable, when you cannot handle the situation any further, you must direct the person to the one being who CAN fix everything - their Redeemer.
Help your friend by guiding them to something greater than what you can give.
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