.:Free Range Lashy:.

Anyone heard of DAVESECRETARY? Basically he's this guy who posted awesome stories on a forum in ALL CAPS LOCK LIKE THIS, and people commented that “The caps make me feel like I’m running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important.” Yeah, I was just reading over some of his awesome stories from childhood, and this made me laugh so hard.



ALRIGHT SO I SHOWED PROMISE IN PRESCHOOL AND WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIAL ‘EARLY START’ PROGRAM WITH 3 OTHER LOSERS IN MY PROVINCE AND WE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF OUR KINDERGARTEN YEAR IN A MUSEUM. KIND OF SWEET, BUT I DIDN’T LEARN MUCH AND WHEN I WENT TO A REGULAR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN GRADE ONE I WAS THROWN INTO THESE SPECIAL ‘ENRICHMENT’ CLASSES BECAUSE OF IT. ENRICHMENT SUCKED. IT WAS DONE OVER HALF OF OUR LUNCH AND THE ‘BRIGHT’ KIDS FROM GRADES 1-6 WOULD GET TOGETHER AND WE’D BE GIVEN THESE RIDICULOUS PROJECTS.




ANYWAY I REMEMBER THIS ONE YEAR THE PROJECT FOR THE ENRICHMENT KIDS IN GRADES 1-3 WAS TO DO SOME LOSER PRESENTATION OF ‘THE LOON’ OR SOMETHING, WHICH WAS THIS TOTALLY RANDOM INDIAN/NATIVE AMERICAN NARRATIVE THAT INVOLVED THINGS LIKE TREE SPIRITS AND MENORRAHS AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.



ANYWAY I AM PRETTY SURE OUR ENRICHMENT TEACHER HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT IN HER HEAD BECAUSE SHE SUGGESTED WE HANG UP A SHEET AND MAKE A TON OF CARDBOARD CUTOUTS AND THEN BUY A REALLY POWERFUL BULB AND DO A SHADOW-PRESENTATION WHERE THE AUDIENCE WOULD ONLY SEE THE SILHOUETTES OF OUR CUTOUTS PRESSED AGAINST THE SHEETS, ILLUMINATED FROM BEHIND BY THE BULB. WHICH IS KIND OF DUMB BUT OF COURSE NOBODY FELT LIKE ARGUING SO THIS IS WHAT WE DID.



JEFF AND I IMMEDIATELY GOT SCREWED AND HAD TO DO ALL THE CUTOUTS FOR SCENERY. IF YOU DON’T KNOW, ‘THE LOON’ IS PRIMARILY BASED IN THE GODDAMNED REEDS, WHICH IS THE WORST SORT OF SCENERY TO MAKE IF YOU’RE DOING CARDBOARD CUTOUTS AND JEFF AND I WERE REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME OF IT. IT WAS SUGGESTED WE JUST TAPE A BUNCH OF COMBS TOGETHER AND PUT THAT UP AGAINST THE SHEET BUT THE TEACHER SHOT IT DOWN FOR NO GOOD REASON AND JEFF AND I SPENT HOURS MAKING THE SCENERY.



SO OTHER KIDS ARE MAKING CUTOUTS OF THE CHARACTERS AND EASY THINGS LIKE THAT, AND WE’RE GLUING THEM TO STRAIGHTENED-OUT COAT HANGERS SO THAT THE PUPPETEERS CAN MANIPULATE THEM ACROSS THE SCREEN WITHOUT THEIR HANDS CASTING SHADOWS AND THIS IS REALLY TURNING INTO A BIG THING AND SOMEHOW THE TEACHER DECIDES WE SHOULD PRESENT THIS LITTLE SHOW IN THE AUDITORIUM IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.



SO THE BIG DAY COMES, JEFF AND I ARE SITTING TO THE SIDE, THERE ARE PEOPLE’S PARENTS HERE FOR SOME REASON, AND THE MAIN PUPPETEER IS THIS GIRL WHO I ACTAULLY THINK WAS NAMED SADDAM. SADDAM WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOON, AND SHE HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN FEELING PRETTY IMPORTANT AND IT WAS ALL SHE TALKED ABOUT FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.



SO THE AUDITORIUM LIGHTS GO OUT AND A HUSH SETTLES OVER THE CROWD AND THEN THAT SINGLE 800 WATT BULB IS TURNED ON AND THE BED-SHEET-SCREEN IS ILLUMINATED. OUR GODDAMNED REEDS AND TREES ARE LEANED UP AGAINST IT AND JEFF AND I SMILE IN SATISFACTION BECAUSE THAT SHIT LOOKS DAMN GOOD. THE TEACHER TURNS ON THE TAPE DECK AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SOUNDS OF A LOON CALLING, BIRD CHIRPS, RUNNING WATER, SOME NATIVE AMERICANS DOING A POW-WOW FAR OFF IN THE DISTANCE, YOU KNOW, NATURE THINGS. THEN THE BOY WHO WAS SELECTED TO NARRATE BEGINS:



“LONG AGO, WHEN THE WORLD WAS GREEN, A SINGLE LOON SWAM ALL ALONE IN A SACRED LAKE WITH EMERALD SHORES”



OR YOU KNOW, SOMETHING RIDICULOUS. SADDAM PICKS UP HER LOON BY THE COAT-HANGER AND MAKES THE LOON DO THIS RIDICULOUS LITTLE HOPPY DANCE ACROSS THE SHEET.. THAT IS UNTIL SHE ACCIDENTLY TOUCHES HER HAND AGAINST THE BULB SOMEHOW. ALL WE HEAR IS THIS SLIGHT HISSING NOISE, SADDAM CRYING OUT IN PAIN, AND THE LOON TAKES THIS TERRIBLE FALL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SHEET AND KNOCKS OVER OUR GODDAMNED SCENERY.



THEN ALL YOU HEAR IS JEFF YELL OUT “MY REEDS! MY FUCKING REEDS!” AND LIKE THIS IS GRADE 1. 6 YEAR OLDS DON’T SAY ‘FUCK’ IN FRONT OF GROWNUPS AND TEACHERS. THE LIGHTS GO ON AND THERE’S ALL THIS CONFUSION. SADDAM HAS BURNT HER HAND PRETTY BADLY, THERE’S A LITTLE ‘TEAM’ OF PEOPLE ATTENDING HER WOUNDS, THE ENRICHMENT TEACHER IS TRYING TO KEEP THE SHOW GOING, EVERYBODY IS STARING IN MY DIRECTION AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO SWORE, AND ABOVE ALL OF THIS I CAN STILL FAINTLY HEAR THE NATIVES DOING THEIR LITTLE POW-WOW HEYA-HOYA’S BECAUSE NOBODY HAS STOPPED THE TAPE.



THE NEXT YEAR AT ENRICHMENT WE HAD THE SAME TEACHER AND OUR PROJECT WAS TO MAKE OUR OWN BOARD GAME.


Ahhhh, so good. His stories always cheer me up. I always laugh so hard. ^_^ And this one, hahah.


ALRIGHT SO IN SCOUTS THIS ONE WINTERY DAY EVERYONE HAD TO GET UP AT ABOUT 4AM AND OUR PARENTS HAD TO DRIVE US ALL TO THE PARKING LOT BEHIND THE BOWLING ALLEY. WE ALL GOT THERE AROUND 4:30 AND WERE GREETED BY “AKELA” AND “BALOO” AND ALL THOSE LOSER SCOUT-LEADERS. APPARENTLY THE TASK FOR THE DAY WAS TO BUILD UP A ‘FLOAT’ FOR THE LITTLE AYLMER PARADE (AYLMER WAS THE TOWN I GREW UP IN), WHICH CAN BE INTERPRETED AS DECORATING THE FLATBED OF AN 18-WHEELER USING SNOW, BRANCHES, AND WHATEVER LITTLE TRINKETS THE SCOUT-LEADERS BROUGHT FROM THE DOLLAR STORE OR THEIR PARENT’S BASEMENTS.




SO WE’RE SHOVELING SNOW ON THE FLATBED AND PACKING IT DOWN AND EVERYTHING’S KIND OF BORING. WE’RE ALL JOKING AROUND BUT MOST OF US CAN’T WAIT TO GET THIS OVER WITH AND GO TO THE BOWLING ALLEY WHERE OUR PARENTS WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BUY US HAMBURGERS AND HOTDOGS, HOPEFULLY AROUND NOON.



THE SUN RISES AND THE CAMP LEADERS DOLE OUT SOME CHEAP TRAIL-MIX TO EVERYONE AND TELL US SOME ABJECT TALE ABOUT FOOD ENERGY. WE’VE ALMOST COVERED THE FLATBED WITH SNOW, AND A FEW OF US ARE MAKING LITTLE SNOWHILLS AND OTHER THINGS TO TRY TO VARY IT UP.



IT’S ABOUT THIS TIME THAT “BALOO” EXCITEDLY TELLS US HE’S GOT A HUGE SURPRISE FOR US, WHICH HE WILL SHARE IN AN HOUR. SO WE WORK A LITTLE MORE FEVERISHLY, SLAPPING PINE BRANCHES OVER THE SNOW AND TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SCENE FROM A TRANQUIL WOODS OR SOMETHING. THE HOUR PASSES QUICKLY AND SOON WE ARE ALL LOOKING OVER AT “BALOO”. HE HOLDS OUT AS LONG AS HE CAN AND THEN FINALLY EXPLODES “YOU BOYS ARE GOING TO RIDE ON THE FLOAT!! NOT JUST MAKE IT!!”



I THINK SCOTT MUMBLED “WHAT THE FUCK” BUT I COULDN’T BE SURE, BUT ANYWAY, NOBODY IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS. ‘RIDING THE FLOAT’ TRANSLATES TO 10 HOURS OF SITTING ON THE FLATBED, WAVING AT RANDOM WELFARE FAMILIES IN FREEZING CANADIAN WEATHER. INSTANTLY THE ATMOSPHERE BECOMES A LITTLE TENSE AS EVERYONE LETS THIS NEW KNOWLEDGE SINK IN.



I NOTICE A FEW KIDS TALKING QUIETLY TO THEMSELVES AND WAIT AS THE NEWS SLOWLY PASSES TO WHERE I AM. APPARENTLY SEVERAL SCOUTS HAVE DECIDED TO QUIT WORKING ON MAKING THE FLOAT “PRETTY”, AND INSTEAD ARE CARVING HOLES INTO THE SNOWHILLS ON THE FLATBED SO THAT THEY HAVE A WARM AND COZY NOOK TO HIDE IN DURING THE PARADE. I FIND THIS TO BE A CAPITAL IDEA, AND PRETTY SOON ALL US ARE STANDING ON THE FLOAT, DIGGING DOWN INTO THE COMPACTED SNOW WE HAD SO CAREFULLY SHOVELLED ON JUST HOURS AGO.



WITHIN AN HOUR THE BASE OF THE FLOAT RESEMBLES A PIECE OF SWISS CHEESE; THERE ARE LITTLE HOLES ABOUT 3 FEET DEEP EVERYWHERE, SERIOUSLY COMPRIMISING THE STRUCTURE AND TENACITY OF THE BASE. MOST OF THE SCOUTS ARE TRYING TO “CAMOFLAUGE” THEIR HOLES BY DRAPING BRANCHES OVER THE HOLES, SO THAT THE CAMP LEADERS, WHO HAVE DISAPPEARED FOR THE LAST LITTLE WHILE, DON’T SEE THEM UNTIL WELL AFTER THE PARADE HAS STARTED.



THE COUNSELORS ARRIVE IN A BEAT-UP CAR, AND PULL THIS GIANT OBJECT OUT OF THE BACKSEAT. THEY UNFURL THIS ENORMOUS BANNER THAT SAYS “AYLMER CUB SCOUTS RULE!!!” AND A COUPLE OF GIANT POSTS TO HANG EACH END OF THE BANNER. WE ALL GROAN INWARDLY A LITTLE BIT BUT RESIGN OURSELVES TO OUR FATE. “THIS WILL BE OUR CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT!!” YELLS OUT BALOO IN WHAT I DETERMINE TO BE FRANTIC HYSTERIA - THAT DUDE ALWAYS GOT SO WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.



WE THROW ON A FEW EXTRA BRANCHES AND ARE EACH GIVEN A SMALL HORDE OF CANDY CANES TO THROW AT THE WELFARE FAMILIES. OF COURSE MOST OF THEM ARE GONE WITHIN MINUTES, BUT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT THAT. THE CAMP LEADERS ARE PRACTICALLY WETTING THEMSELVES AS THEY MOUNT THE FLATBED. MIRACULOUSLY THEY EITHER DON’T SEE ALL THE HOLES, OR DON’T CARE.



THEY PLACE THEIR TWO POSTS FIRMLY IN THE COMPACTED SNOW, AND STRING THE “AYLMER CUB SCOUTS RULE!!!” BANNER ACROSS THEM, AND IT LOOKS REALLY REALLY BAD. IT’S ALMOST 10AM, AND THE PARADE IS ABOUT TO START. THE TRUCK DRIVER SHOWS UP AND “BALOO” YELLS, “ALL ABOARD!!” OR SOMETHING EQUALLY DUMB AND WE ALL CLIMB UP ONTO THE FLATBED.



THE LEADERS GET IN THE FRONT WITH THE TRUCK DRIVER AND WE’RE OFF AT 5MPH. WE WAIT UNTIL WE’RE ON THE MAIN ROAD AND ARE FIRMLY LODGED BETWEEN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LEFTOVER FLOAT FROM THE SANTA-CLAUS PARADE, AND THE BOOKMOBILE FROM SCHOOL. WE CAN SEE A FEW FAMILIES OFF IN THE DISTANCE, WAVING LIKE LUNATICS.



AS SOON AS WE APPROACH A THIN HERD OF BYSTANDERS WE DECIDE IT’S COLD ENOUGH AND EVERYONE MAKES A DASH FOR THEIR SNOW-HOLE. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT THIS MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE TO ANYBODY ON THE STREET - ONE MINUTE THERE’S A FLOAT WITH A DOZEN YOUNG BOYS ON IT, THE NEXT MINUTE THERE’S NOTHING BUT BRANCHES AND A SIGN ABOUT HOW “AYLMER CUB SCOUTS RULE!!”. OH, AND THERE’S ADRIAN.



ADRIAN, YOU SEE, GOT TOTALLY FUCKED ON THE DEAL, BECAUSE WHEN THE SCOUT LEADERS PUT UP THE POSTS FOR THE BANNER THEY LODGED ONE OF THEM RIGHT IN HIS SNOWHOLE, EFFECTLY BLOCKING IT. SO HE’S RUNNING AROUND LIKE A SCARED RABBIT, TRYING TO SEE IF ANYONE HAS EXTRA ROOM IN THEIR HOLE. OF COURSE NO ONE IS WILLING TO SHARE.



HIS FIRST PLAN FAILED, ADRIAN THEN DECIDES TO PULL THE POST OUT OF HIS HOLE. SO HE THROWS HIS LITTLE BODY AGAINST THE POST AND LIFTS IT UP WITH ALL HIS MIGHT - IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY AND HE GETS IT OUT. OF COURSE IT TOPPLES OVER AND THAT’S THE END OF THE BANNER. I LOOK OVER AT THE FRONT OF THE TRUCK, AND CAN SEE “BALOO”, LOOKING ABSOLUTELY APPALLED, AND MAKING THESE RIDICULOUS ‘LIFTING’ GESTURES WITH HIS HANDS.



ADRIAN FOR SOME REASON DECIDES TO COMPLY, AND GETS THE POLE BACK UPRIGHT. THE BANNER CATCHES IN THE WIND AND ONCE AGAIN THINGS LOOK KIND OF NORMAL - ONLY NOW ADRIAN NEEDS TO MAKE A NEW HOLE FOR THE POST.



HE DECIDES, FOR WHATEVER REASON, TO MAKE THIS CLOSER TO THE CENTER OF THE FLATBED. HE’S HOLDING THE POST WITH BOTH HANDS AND IS STABBING IT DOWNWARDS THROUGH THE COMPACTED SNOW. IT LOOKS LIKE HE’S TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH SOME ICE WITH A LOG OR SOMETHING. HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS, AND I KIND OF HUNCH DOWN IN MY HOLE SINCE THE WIND IS GETTING PRETTY FIERCE.



MY VIEW OBSCURED, I CAN NOW ONLY HEAR ADRIAN POUNDING THE POST DOWN THROUGH THE SNOW. IT’S SOUNDING REALLY LOUD, AND THEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SMACKING SOUND AS THE POST HITS THE WOODEN BOTTOM OF THE FLATBED, FOLLOWED BY THIS ENORMOUS “WHOOOOSH” AND THEN A LOT OF YELLING.



I QUICKLY STAND UP IN MY HOLE AND SEE WHAT’S GOING ON - WHEN ADRIAN BROKE THROUGH TO THE BOTTOM WITH THE POST, THE WHOLE BACK HALF OF THE FLOAT SEPARATED AND FELL OFF THE FLATBED. SERIOUSLY WEAKENED BY THE SNOWHOLES, THE COMPACTED SNOW JUST SORT OF GAVE WAY AND SLID RIGHT OFF. OF COURSE THERE WERE SEVERAL KIDS IN THE BACK OF THE FLOAT WHO FELL OFF WITH THE SNOW AND THE BRANCHES AND IT’S A WONDER THAT THEY WEREN’T ALL CRUSHED TO DEATH BY THE BOOKMOBILE BUT NOBODY WAS SERIOUSLY HURT. I REMEMBER A BUNCH OF FAMILIES AND PEOPLE ON THE SIDEWALKS RAN OUT AND STARTED PICKING LITTLE CUB SCOUTS OUT OF THE SNOW AND RUNNING BACK TO THE SIDEWALKS WITH THEM, AND I REMEMBER ADRIAN STANDING THERE HOLDING THAT POST LIKE HE HAD JUST LANDED ON THE MOON AND IT WAS THE US FLAG, AND I REMEMBER BALOO LOOKING ABSOLUTELY STUNNED BY THE WHOLE THING.

 
Okay, I'm done now.